No searching of souls or pointing of fingers here. Just
seven ways Europe rocks my tiny world.
1. Speedy passport lanes
I bet even the most
hardened Brexiter will miss their lovely EU passport and the civility of the ‘EU
passport’ lane. I’m buggered if I’m going to queue up behind the Chinese
tourists, like a fucking chump. Have you seen the hard time they get from
customs officials? Arrive at a European airport behind a flight from Beijing
and half your holiday will be over before you make it out of the airport. No
thank you. I’ll be getting a Bulgarian passport as soon as possible. You know,
once I’ve become fluent in Bulgarian and maybe married a Bulgarian...
2. Food
I love cheddar and cider
and sausages as much as the next Brit. But you have to admit Europe is home to the
best food and booze in the world. Greek olives and feta. French brie. French
bread. French cakes. Belgian beer. Bulgarian tomatoes. Italian anything. German
… dumplings? German … butter? Ham! German ham. Anyway, rioja, salami, camembert,
gelato, you get the idea. I love it all.
 |
| The small wedge is for you. The rest is for me. |
3. ‘Do. You. Speak. English?’
Ah, Europe, we’re sorry
we never bother to speak your languages. Sure, we buy a Greek phrasebook and proudly
carry it everywhere like a Blue Peter badge. But, when it comes down to it, the
first words out of our mouths are usually, ‘Do you speak English?’ Or often
just, ‘Two beers, please.’ And, because you rock, the answer is usually, ‘Yes,
sure.’
At least we speak really
slowly, though, like you’re all idiots. That’s nice of us, isn’t it? Yeah, you’re
welcome.
4. Man bags
There’s a reason Joey
couldn’t pull off the man bag: he was American. European chaps wear their man
bags with pride, from the conspicuously big to the impractically small (our
neighbour has one that’s just big enough for a mobile phone. He wears it while
he’s gardening). Ladies, imagine a world where you never have to hear the other
half ask, ‘Can I put this in your bag?’ That wonderful utopia exists. It’s
called Europe.
 |
| Stylish AND practical. |
5. Sunshine
Because sunshine and
blue skies make everything better. Even Friday’s result was easier to bear
under the Bulgarian sun (with a LARGE glass of wine, mind).
6. Eurovision
Nothing sums up the sheer
barminess of Europe like Eurovision. Flares. Sequins. Fancy dress. Crap dance
routines. Backslapping. Squabbling. Grindingly boring bureaucracy. Much as we
love it, if we’re honest, us Brits have never really got it. The UK entry is like the embarrassing dad at a teenager’s
house party. We don’t understand what we’re supposed to do, and everyone wishes
we would just stay in the bathroom. Shall
we do a serious song this year, guys? Oh, you don’t like that? Okay, how about
we dress up as flight attendants or do a rap, that be cool? No? Hello?
 |
| I mean, seriously, what the hell is going on here? |
7. Forgiveness
70-odd years ago Europe’s
biggest nations were at war. Even in my lifetime, a ruddy great wall divided
Berlin. The fact that we even have a European Union demonstrates Europeans’
enormous capacity to forgive, move on and change.
Europe also forgave us
all those times we got a bit carried away on holiday or at a European football
match, unable to cope with all the cheap beer and vitamin D: vomiting on the
pavements, getting naked in public, throwing chairs. (Why does some dick always
throw a chair? What’s that about?) Thanks, sorry, thanks.
